98 Things You Shouldn't Do on the Early Enterprise
by mynamemattersnot
Summary: Like the Enterprise D, the original Enterprise has its own set of rules that can never be broken or a team of fire breathing dragons will attack you.
1. Rules

**98 Things You Shouldn't Do on the Early Enterprise**

**Author's Note: Honesty, it doesn't matter which rule story you read first. I was just incredibly bored again and had just watched the motion picture (the original motion picture) and Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier. Star Trek was created by Gene Rodenberry which is not me. I don't own Star Trek.**

Do not steal Scotty's scotch.

Do not tell Chekov that not everything was invented in Russia.

Do not give Spock emotions.

Do not destroy Scotty's engines.

Do not engage in a logical battle with Spock.

Do not ask the computer to calculate pi.

Do not tell Scotty that there are countries better than Scotland.

Do not purposely agitate a Klingon.

Do not blow yourself up.

Do not get caught in a blizzard in seventy degree weather.

Do not climb a mountain just because it is there.

Do not put yourself in mortal danger whilst Dr. McCoy is watching.

Do not be one with the horse.

Do not attempt to mind meld with Spock.

Do not bring Q onto the original series.

Do not question Kirk's orders.

Do not doubt Chekov's intelligence.

Do not bitch slap Spock and then blame it on Sulu.

Do not start a best sunglasses competition whilst Spock is away.

Do not trash Sick Bay whilst Dr. McCoy watching.

Do not try to sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" with Spock.

Do not try to stop Uhara from kissing anybody.

Do not order Spock to murder somebody.

Do not paint a bunny face on Captain Kirk's face whilst he is sleeping.

Do not admit you are lost even if you are lost.

Do not cross the Great Barrier.

Do not do the chicken dance on your way up the turbolift.

Do not give Spock facial hair and then call him evil Spock.

Do not try to imitate somebody's accent.

Do not stalk a Vulcan.

Do not punch the con.

Do not start a band and play your first concert on the bridge.

Do not fall into a volcano.

Do not stare at a wall.

Do not punch yourself in the face whilst people are watching you.

Do not dress up as a banana and sing "Peanut Butter Jelly Time".

Do refuse to wear command red.

Do not destroy the planet Vulcan.

Do not run around with an American flag and scream "FREEDOM!" at the top of your lungs.

Do not kill Kirk with a bridge.

Do not allow Chekov into your vodka stash.

Do not put Kirk on a leash and then tie him to a dog pole.

Do not challenge Scotty into a drinking competition

Do not yell Khan randomly to the sky.

Do not take the red pill.

Do not press the red button.

Do not attempt to steer the Enterprise with the wheel that says, "To boldly go where no man has gone before."

Do not have closed-minded ideals.

Do not lock Uhara in a closet with a Ferengi.

Do not try to communicate using the Morse Code.

Do not piss off Sulu.

Do not pull on your head and then tell people that see you that you attempting to remove your head.

Do not discredit Scotty's transwarp theory.

Do not act insanely whilst on the planet Vulcan.

Do not dress up as a crash test dummy and then claim you will crash the ship.

Do not start a fight with Sulu or Captain Kirk.

Do not kick Kirk off the Enterprise.

Do not purposely hurt yourself whilst Dr. McCoy watching.

Do not allow McCoy to inject you randomly with medicine.

Do not allow Kirk to spy on you.

Do not create a universe ending paradox.

Do not run head on into a wall.

Do not paint Chekov's quarters pink, dye his hair purple, or bedazzle his uniform.

Do not sing "Barbie Girl" at the top of your lungs on your way to the bridge.

Do not make fun of an alien species for his/her/its looks.

Do not threaten to assimilate Kirk.

Do not step in gum.

Do not prevent Kirk from being reckless.

Do not force McCoy to go skydiving with you for fun.

Do not tell Scotty that his job can be performed by monkeys.

Do not release the kraken.

Do not fire an illegal weapon on the Enterprise.

Do not call Kirk weak.

Do not agitate Spock.

Do not challenge Sulu to a fencing competition.

Do not spit out cranberry juice all over Sulu's face and uniform in an attempt to make him believe it is blood.

Do not steal Sherlock Holmes lines. (Spock that means you!)

Do not cover all the uniforms with cheese.

Do not force Uhara to tell you her first name.

Do not light yourself on fire.

Do not get Scotty wet or feed him after midnight.

Do not tell Chekov that there are monsters under his bed.

Do not hire a mime to mimic everything Kirk does.

Do not teach your dog to bite Spock.

Do not fall into a blackhole.

Do not get into an argument with your future self.

Do not shave Spock bald.

Do not attempt to use Scotty's body as a trampoline and then claim you thought it would work.

Do not drink as much Romulan ale as you can get your hands on.

Do drive an antique car off a cliff whilst blasting classic rock music and diving out at the last possible second.

Do not throw up on McCoy.

Do not build a card tower on the Captain's chair.

Do not play chess with Spock.

Do not cheat on an impossible test.

Do not try to break the world's longest line of dominoes record.

Do not attempt to sneak behind Spock and then scare him.

Do not walk onto the bridge wearing a scary Halloween mask and/or costume.

Do not prevent a Star Trek fan from speaking the Klingon language whenever they wish.

**Author's Note: Probably isn't as funny as the last one but I had to post it so please humor me and review.**


	2. Captain James T Bunny & Follow the Spock

**Author's Note: Ok, this new chapter is dedicated to breaking the rules. Humor will ensue. Any suggestions on what you wish to see next or a new rule you wish to see broken just tell me in the review.**

**Rule Broken: Do not paint a bunny face on Captain Kirk's face whilst he is sleeping:**

Dr. McCoy wasn't happy. Once again his "friend" Jim had pranked him again. A week ago, McCoy had gone about his daily routine except this day he was busier than usual with paperwork. When, he was finally ready to go to bed, Kirk struck from seemingly out of nowhere spraying some cheap old fashioned bottle of something like confetti spray that took hours to wash completely out of his hair. Now this is where he drew the line, he was going to get Kirk back and get him back good. A week of planning later, he was ready with a lot of strong water proof paint and a hypospray that would keep Kirk asleep long enough to prank him and get away with it without arousing suspicion. Dr. McCoy did his work swiftly and adequately. He first got into Kirk's quarters with a false biosigniture, administered the hypospray, and then painted a very pretty bunny face with pink and white paint onto the captain. When he was finished, he admired his work.

"You won't be playing pranks on me anymore, Jim." Dr. McCoy said to himself proudly.

He hurried out without being seen and waited on the bridge. As the mighty James T. Kirk walked onto the bridge, the officers looked in surprise at what they saw. Captain Kirk's face was painted in a way to make him look like a giant pink bunny. Chekov looked face contorted to look as if he had just drank sour milk. Sulu's eyes first widened in surprise before he smiled barely suppressing a laugh. Uhara looked at him as if she had just seen a ghost. Spock looked incredibly perplexed as if he were trying to solve Kirk's face like a puzzle. Kirk himself was trying to stay as serious as he could without showing his irritation or absolute embarrassment but was failing. Silence filled the bridge of the Enterprise briefly before chuckles eventually escaped from Sulu and eventually from everyone else except Spock.

"Captain, why is your face painted like a pink colored terrain rabbit?" Spock asked.

"I was pranked," Kirk merely answered.

"Are you sure you didn't paint that yourself, Jim? It does look good on you." McCoy said causing more laughter.

"Bones, did you do this?" Kirk asked.

"Why would I do that? I don't even like pranks." McCoy deflected.

"Sulu?"

"No not me." Sulu stated.

"Chekov?"

"I would never do that, captain." Chekov replied.

"Uhara?"

"Captain, I have better things to do than spend my time doing that."

The captain continued to ask more of the crew including Scotty, but he just couldn't seem to find his prankster. Kirk begins asking every member of the Enterprise crew only to be laughed and stared at through the process. The embarrassment of it all becomes slightly more difficult as Kirk is forced to confront more and more of his crew. Only when Kirk finally asked Spock, the only one he hadn't asked yet, did McCoy finally decide to confess.

"Spock, did you prank me?" Captain Kirk asked.

"Captain, pranking you would only be illogical and pointless." Spock replied.

"Then, who the hell did this? I've asked everyone on the ship?" Kirk asked.

"I did to teach you a hard lesson about pulling pranks." McCoy answered.

"Bones, the whole ship saw me like this!"

"I know they did."

"Bones, that wasn't funny!"

"Actually, it was. Plus, you look really cute as a bunny."

"You better get this paint off my face now!"

"Only if you promise to stop pulling pranks on me."

"Ok Bones, I will stop playing pranks on _you_ if you get this paint of my face now."

Dr. McCoy helps Kirk remove the paint and the next time a prank is pulled poor Commander Spock finds his uniform covered in ketchup.

**Rule Broken: Do not stalk a Vulcan.**

Spock sensed he was being followed, but when he turned around no one was there. He continued on his way and heard footsteps behind him again and ignored it until it turned into stomps. He turned around again and looked around much more adequately and found nothing. He kept going and the steps behind him only persisted louder. The most logical assumption was to guess that someone was definitely following him and whoever it was must be must not want to be discovered. Spock began walking again, but this time he walked with a quickened pace ignoring the steps behind him even when they sounded a little louder or a little closer. Only when he walked straight into a place he knew whoever it was wouldn't be able to hide quickly enough, did he turn around and find his follower. He was surprised to find an ensign standing there staring at him.  
"Ensign, what are you doing?" Spock asked.

"Uh-uh nothing, sir." The ensign replied.

"Ensign, did you pursue me here?"

"No-no, sir. Why would you ask that?" The ensign replied more nervously.

"I know for sure that I was being followed by someone."

"Well, it-it wasn't me."

Spock only looked at the ensign with curiosity not exactly believing him. When he turned around and kept walking, the footsteps behind him started again.

"Ensign, if you do not stop following me, I am going to have no choice but to call security."

The ensign comes out of his hiding place.

"I am sorry, commander. I was curious." The ensign stated.

"What are you curious about?" Spock asked.

"I'm curious about Vulcans like you. I just wanted see what they were like."

"I see. If you are curious again, do not follow people. Instead, you should try asking a question that fulfills your curiosity."

"Uh ok, I will try that." The ensign said before scurrying away. Spock looked perplexed for a second before walking on this time without anyone following him. The next day, however, the ensign returns with a lot of questions and Spock answers them so well that the ensign leaves because of boredom.

**Author's Note: So what do you think about the first two stories. Funny, not to funny? What do you want to see next? Review to tell me, but please no flames.**


	3. Wall Dreams & Wrong Drink

**Author's Note: Cheer loud for another chapter written for some requests. Request me more and don't forget to tell me if you liked this chapter! 8D! I still don't own Star Trek for the billionth time already… Now on with the rule breaking!**

**Rule Broken: Do not stare at the wall:**

There was nothing much to do so Sulu found himself staring blankly at a wall. The wall was an ordinary white wall of the Enterprise that had the look of just about any wall. He continued to stare and been using his mind to draw imaginary pictures into the wall. He began forming the image of a dragon in his mind. As Sulu drew out the tail through imagination. As he looked at the wall he could have sworn he had seen the wall glow briefly red. Sulu looked around suddenly alert attempting to find where the source of color came from, but couldn't. He assessed it to simply an over-active imagination getting to him and went back to staring at the wall. Yet, after a while the flash of red continued and grew bigger causing Sulu to jump up suddenly.

"Sulu, what are you doing?" Chekov asked.

"You don't see that?" Sulu replied.

"I don't see anything. What are you talking about?"

Sulu doesn't reply, but only stares at the wall in shock as a huge red dragon appeared before him.

"Sulu, are you okay? Should I call Dr. McCoy up here?" Chekov asked, but Sulu did not reply and continued to stare at what Chekov saw as an empty wall. It was a monstrous, ugly, and fat red dragon that he drew on the wall except this one was real. It came out at him and he jumped back and attempted to escape. Yet, the dragon caught Sulu quickly with his claws and smashed him onto the floor of the bridge. The dragon laughed and he thought he heard a strange sound, but it was only screaming. Was that him screaming or was it Chekov? Sulu had no idea as the dragon opened its jaws and he saw a spark of red as the flames began to come out at him. The last words he could hear were: Sulu, Sulu, Sulu before everything flashed white.

He jolted awake as Chekov shouted, "Sulu."

"What? What happened?" Sulu asked.

"You feel asleep," Chekov replied.

"Uh-uh- no I didn't."

"Yes, you did. I just watched you. In fact, I've been trying to wake you up for the past five minutes."

"It never happened." Sulu simply stated only to receive a very disbelieving look from Chekov.

"Ok, fine be in denial then. Next time, I won't wake you up and let Captain Kirk see you sleeping on the job."

Sulu looked horrified and Chekov smiled slightly hoping to himself it would happen again just so he could see Sulu get yelled at by the captain.

**Rule Broken: Do not steal Scotty's scotch:**

The engineering officer felt thirsty and tired after his shift. He hoped his brother had kept his promise to get him a nice bottle of scotch. He saw the bottle the bottle of scotch exactly where his brother had promised it to be and began chugging it down eagerly. Scotty walks by and sees the boy drinking the bottle of alcohol as if it was water.

"Now boy, you ought to slow down. You're going to make yourself sick." Scotty advised.

The engineering officer stops drinking the scotch and said, "Sorry, sir but today was a long day."

When, the engineering officer sets it down, Scotty sees with alarm that it is scotch. Maybe it wasn't his scotch. He didn't think the kid would drink his scotch, but Scotty had to be sure just in case.

"Laddy, just where did you get that?"

"Oh, my brother left it for me."

"You sure, lad?" Scotty asked.

"Yeh, why?"

"Can I see the bottle?"

"Ok," The young engineer hands Scotty the bottle and Scotty examines it closely. He sees two marks that could only be his and looks at the kid with anger. How could he have stolen his scotch like that? Who did this kid think he was? The scotch bottle was now half empty now, because the kid had just drank it. It was his scotch. It was his drink and now he couldn't have it.

"What in the blazes were you thinking, laddy?" Scotty asked irritated.

"I don't know what you're talking about." The young engineer replies.

"You know full well what I'm talking about!"

"Sir, what are you getting at?"

"You drank my scotch, lad!"

"What, no my brother…. Oh..."

"Lad, you stole my drink. Now you better speak before I hit you over the head with this."

"I'm sorry, sir. I thought my brother left that for me. He must have wanted to get me into trouble after that trick I pulled on him."

"Lad, you better not be lying."

"I'm not, sir. My brother… Listen, I'm sorry sir that I stole your drink. I will get you a new one as soon as I can."

"You better get me another drink!" Scotty says not very happy glaring at the young engineer.

**Author's Note: So… did it turn out the way you expected. I kind of feel like this feel a little short, but then there's really not much else I could have added. So… yeh. Well I hope it still made you laugh or at least feel sorry for Sulu or the young engineer. Don't forget to review! 8D! (Oh my glob there was just an earthquake right now... 0_0! Like for reals.)**


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